Dear Socially-Distanced Humans: Knock it Off.
Updated: Jun 24, 2020
by Jim DeSantis
Photo credit: Zillow/Daniel Oster
In response to the misinformation machine that has spawned ridiculous rumors and myths about the Sasquatch community, we hear you. And we are not happy.
We know you're lonely. We get it. But we are creatures of solitude out of necessity, not fear.
So let's get some things straight.
If, while you're out in the wilderness avoiding other humans, you spot a member of our tribe, say “Hello.” We enjoy a neighborly nod just like everyone else. Don't be rude.
You may believe that spotting us is rare, but it is quite the opposite. We are hiding in plain sight. You just never pick your heads up from your cell phones to notice. We blend in with your hipsters, Bohemians, beer snobs, and the large hairy men we hear you call “bears." We have friends who are woodland bears and think they would grrreatly appreciate a howdy too.
That is bear humor.
You probably won't get it.
We understand that you humans have a lot of time these days and love to put things into categories -- alphabetizing your spices, making sourdough starter, what have you -- but name calling is something you should leave to Twitter.
The “B-word” -- you know, the Big F -- is very outdated. If you see large footprints, chances are you have encountered something quite large. We are relative to the size of our feet. You do not call elephants “big trunks” or giraffes “big necks,” so please show us the same kindness.
I understand from reading this magazine that some humans have big toes, but we don't call you Big Toes. Respect, people.
We do like our Indian name -- Sasquatch -- but we only use that in the most formal of times. Most of us have pretty normal names like Tim, Ray, Sally, or Bob. There are a lot of us named Bob. If you ever met a Bob, you may already know one of us.
Bob spelled backward is Bob.
That's Bob humor.
You probably won't get it.
Even more disgusting than the name-calling is the hunters among you who follow us around to collect our droppings. Can you imagine how violated we feel? Give us a minute and we will pick up our own poop. Sure, we are not housebroken, because houses, but we are civilized. Also, we have bags.
We also have leaders, but you claim them as your own. And this is why we can't have nice things.
For instance, did you know that Chewbacca was a Sasquatch? He was just an average Bob until George Lucas made him change his name and called him a Wookie.
And by the way, this pandemic you're experiencing? Absolutely 0% infection in our community. We're immune, bitches. The bears are, too. Isn't that ggggggreeattt?
Bear humor again. See above.
Since we do not have to socially-distance, we have become very active in the dating community. We have become very good at manipulating what you call dating apps. Did you know if you take a picture from way up high, you look much thinner? With our arms being so long, we can shoot selfies that make us look quite svelte. Bob taught us that. Bob is a bit vain, but whatever.
In short, we're a lot like you. Except with the quarantine thing. So stop with the blurred photos, the memes, the innuendos, the insults about our feet. When it's safe, come see us. Say hi. We'll ask how you're doing. We hope grrrrreat.
Jim DeSantis has worked on the Florida Film Festival for over ten years, serving on the Midnight Selections committee and as an event panel host. Along with his duties at Florida Film Festival, Jim was picked to judge the film entries at the Sick N Wrong Film Festival, Brouhaha, and the 48hour Film Project.
He has been involved in various podcasts such as Movie Brain Rot, Adventure Club Podcast, Flux Capacicast, and Pop Culture Anonymous.
He enjoys drawing, watching old horror movies, and one day, becoming a giant robot to defeat Mega-Godzilla.
@moviebrainrot on Instagram