Hey! Surgical Masks Are Fun!
Everyone likes Top 10 Lists.
So here's one.
by Elisabeth Weithorn
I try not to be too much of a whiner, but I am getting a little tired of the mask-wearing.
It does have some definite advantages, though.
10. Sneering at complete strangers who refuse to wear masks is quite satisfying! And always follow up with a glare. And refuse to look away.
9. Breathing in and out quickly results in the flimsy papery “fabric” sucking slightly into your mouth, and it appears as if you are hyperventilating. Follow up with rolling your eyes back in your head. Fun in the grocery line!
8. Yawning directly at people is not polite but at least with a mask on you’re a little less obvious. And yawning begets yawning, so if you do it right, you can get the whole checkout line yawning with you.
7. Non-verbal communicating is a funky adventure! Instead of saying “Thank you,” respond by opening your eyes REAL WIDE after the clerk gives you your change.
6. Making “kissy faces” at attractive men is a now a necessary part of my day.
5. Muttering obscenities is easy and virtually undetectable.
4. Raising your brows up and down, a la Groucho Marx, is a way to illicit some great reactions. Again, no speaking allowed. Just let your eyebrows do the talking.
3. Ladies, you haven’t had your eyebrows waxed in 3 months? Scoop up a big dollop of Vaseline on your finger, smear it on them brows, and comb them straight up towards your forehead. Men LOVE that flared, wild, satanic look.
2. Splatter several droplets of red food coloring on the outside of your mask. If people ask if it’s blood, just say, “Yes, it is. Not mine, though.“ Then follow up with a hard squint.
1. Mix it up a bit– substitute a bandanna occasionally, and hook your thumbs on your front jean belt loops. Saunter around, (always leading with your pelvis, as the real cowboys do), telling anyone who will listen, “I’m a cowboy! Did you rustle my cattle?” if they say “No,” ask them if they would like to.
Try these at your next public outing.
Mask on, humans.
Thanks for reading!
Elizabeth Wiethorn is a freelance writer and lifetime Pittsburgher who resides in the North Hills. Her essays have been published in The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and Pittsburgh Quarterly, and she is a winner of the 2020 Pittsburgh Post-Gazette’s Bad Writing Contest. She has worked in adult literacy, at a financial investment firm, as a kindergarten teacher’s aide, as a debt collector, and as an entrepreneur. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org